When I found out I was pregnant, I looked into birthing classes and after hearing the positive experiences of family and friends who did hypnobirthing, I decided it was something I needed to do. Now let me tell you something, I have never believed in the "mind is a powerful thing and you can train it" thing. I used to think meditating or teaching myself to relax through hypnosis as a technique was just silly. I need straight up undeniable facts, and to me, I don't think hypnosis studies show those kinds of facts (trust me...my mind is changed and I apologize to those I may have offended). Anyways, For some reason hypnobirthing has worked for so many women, so I decided to do it. My husband was completely shocked, but he believes in that stuff so he was on board. I went into our first class a little snobby nosed, but the lesson was all about hard fact science! Studies done on animals giving birth, instinct versus fear in comparison to humans, and flight versus flight models in relation to the muscles of the uterus. It was like our instructor secretly knew I was not going to fall for some "close your eyes...you are getting very sleepy" scheme and came out with the big guns.
Needless to say I warmed up to the hypnosis, which is really just creating positive affirmations for how I wanted our birth to go and to create a world where I could breath and relax in any situation. On top of hypnobirthing I had started practicing yoga. Which helped me learn how to really use breath as a form of relaxation, while moving and not moving (VERY needed in birth). Seth and I probably could have practiced our hypnosis scripts more, but the most important thing that the class gave me was a removal of my fears. By informing me of the instinctive nature of birth, and through listening to positive affirmations and never speaking negatively about how Kaerely's birth would go, I removed all fears about the birth (except my cervix opening...but we got that figured out, albeit a little late).
Anyways, a week before my due date I finally started having noticeable practice contractions and there were about 4 times where I thought, maybe this is it?! but they would always end and I would be left feeling depressed and dejected. Then my doctor told me that he wanted to induce me after 41 weeks for fear of still birth. The risk does increase, but I had also been told babies come when they are ready. I was left feeling confused as to what decision would be right in our situation. The induction date was set for Thursday, May 8th, in which I would receive cervix softeners (cytotec) all night and then pitocin in the morning. In the back of my head I had a feeling that my baby was ready, but my cervix was not, so we tried everything (EVERYTHING) to get it to soften. And....I was still at 1 cm. It came to Wednesday and since 9am that morning I had been having fairly consistent contractions 5-10 min apart and then at noon I went to the bathroom and could swear I felt my water break. I tried to stop peeing and I couldn't. It had to be my water, right?! So I called my Doula (she is heaven sent), and she told me to keep waiting for more consistency and not to rush to the hospital. So I waited all day...and all night and guess what?! The contractions slowed down...like always. But I was nervous that my water broke, so we decided it would be best to go to the hospital in case of an infection. We get there...and they did a pH test. My water had not broken.
My OB said we could go home until that night and come back for the induction, or they could just start it then. She left so we could talk it over. It was time for the big decision, get induced or wait another week? Seth said a prayer, and I just felt so strongly that the problem was in my cervix. For some reason I was not allowing it to open and Seth, my Doula, and I did some visualizations to help get rid of the fear I had about it opening and also decided that we would start the cytotec, hoping it would start my cervix opening and that I would not need the pitocin in the morning. We told my body that the cytotec was meant to help my cervix open (we were hoping it would have a placebo effect and get me moving really fast). So around 3pm I got my first dose of cytotec. The nurse came back after 2 hours to check my cervix and said "You are progressing! You're still at a one, but you have thinned so much!" It was a bitter sweet moment. I was still at a 1 which was sad, but those magic words of "you are progressing" lightened my heart and I felt it was at that moment I could feel my cervix start to open. I seriously think the placebo effect worked!
So the nurse put in dose number 2. Now let me tell you something. A side effect of cytotec is to to have heavy cramps like a period, and to possibly have hyper-contractions (too many contractions). That second dose brought in a wave of intense contractions. I would have 3 about 30 seconds apart with a 2 min. break between waves. About an hour into the second dose something crazy happened. I went to the bathroom, and when I stood up liquid kept coming out and sliding down my leg. I walked out, without a doubt this time that my water had indeed broken. We got the nurse and she gave a positive pH test confirmation! Now the fun begins.
They had to stop the cytotec and let nature take it's course. The nurse checked my dilation and I was at a 3! I was so elated, but at the same time all I could think was...I can't handle contractions like this all the way to a 10. It is not possible. I started crying and kept telling Seth I just wanted to go home and sleep, and I wanted "the drugs." About 2 hrs later the nurse came back and checked and I was at a 5. I was making pretty consistent progression, which was great, but in my head I was calculating. 2 more hours and a 7, and then 2 more and a 9, etc. If those waves kept up I could not do it. Crawling around the hospital floor like a crazy, naked lady and having to constantly change positions and constantly have cool wet towels on my body and counter pressure (pain relief for the unmedicated mom). My poor husband and Doula were really put to the test. But my husband is a strong man, strong for me and what I wanted and he sincerely asked me "Kari, do you really want an epidural?" I didn't respond and that was answer enough for the both of us. I could not and would not be getting the epidural.
It was around this realization that I got into a groove. The dose of cytotec was wearing off and my contractions no longer felt crampy or as intense. They were strong and intense in a different way, with pressure going into my hips (and surprisingly my back). I got on my hands and knees and started swaying forward and back as contractions began, and resting my head on pillows and sleeping in between. I was so tired. Unbelievably tired, but I was trucking along. My nurse kept commenting on how amazing and quiet I was. I had just been breathing and asking for more wet rags, all while zoning out to "pawn stars" in the background. For some reason the dull noise of the TV helped me relax even more, as well as always holding a wet rag in my hand. And then all of a sudden my body just started pushing. To be TMI about it, it started trying to intensely poop. I had no control over it. liquid was pouring out of me, and that's when I finally lost my mucous plug. Yeah...my water broke before I lost my mucous plug. I think it's genetic. The nurse noticed this and asked if she could check my cervix. It had been 30 minutes since she last checked, but I let her anyways. I had dilated to an 8. An EIGHT! Things started getting real. The nurse went to prep for labor and informed my OB. He came in to check on me intermittently. The nurse kept telling me to try not to push, but instead breath my baby down. The exact hypnobirthing language. It was beyond wonderful to have a nurse (and doctor, even if he was grumpy) who understood hypnobirthing. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to breath her down. I had been told for months that's how it worked and I thought it would be doable, but in the moment I could not stop my body from pushing (something to focus on for the next baby).
Within an hour I was at a 9 and the doctor and nurse continued to tell me to breath her down so that I would not rip my cervix. I was sometimes able to stop the pushing feeling and other times not, but thankfully with a few turns from the left to the right and vice versa, I was able to get to the 10. It was about 11:55 and the nurse said "May 8th baby or May 9th?" It was time to "push."
My nurse was so sweet. My birthing plan had said I wanted to push instinctively without help, and my nurse kindly asked "would you like a birthing guide?" I realized that she had been helping guide me for the past hour by telling me to breath the baby down, and I knew that she could be the help I needed to get Kaerely out, because my education was not the greatest in this area at the moment. It took an hour and a half because I kept purple pushing instead of breathing. I was not listening very well to my nurse, husband and doula (once again...this is where I will focus with baby number 2). But after an hour and a half, Kaerely was crowning in all her beauty. I had already made a decision that I didn't want a mirror to watch, but the nurse asked and I felt so overwhelmingly happy that I needed to see her. Her head was there! And in about 3 pushes her head was out. I looked down and saw this huge head floating there. It was at this moment that my OB started pushing for an episiotomy. I kept saying "No, I would rather tear" and he got a little nasty with me, but it was for a good cause (I tell myself). However, within a minute there were tons of nurses in the room and my doctor was saying "her head has been out too long without breathing, her shoulder is stuck, I need to do an emergency episiotomy and get her out now. You need to push her out NOW!" I was trying so hard, but I was getting so panicked. Her little heart rate was getting distressed. Luckily my Doctor works fast and he got her out and they rushed her to the table. I was in tears because I just wanted her to be OK. Thankfully within seconds she started crying and my tears were flowing even more. She was breathing, however they needed to take her to the NICU. I sent Seth to go with her while I delivered the placenta and got stitched up. I had some natural tearing as well as the episiotomy. After I was done they took me to our room and our little girl was done in the NICU and released into our arms where I snuggled her and tried to feed her, and Seth knocked out. I should have slept, but I had so much adrenaline that I was shaking from a few hours before her birth up until we left the hospital to go home. Which, apparently, is very normal.
I never got to do immediate skin-to-skin, or delay the cord clamping, but I am thankful for natural birthing methods and modern medicine. It is the combination that made her birth so awesome, even if there was a little hiccup at the end. So how did I produce a 9 lb, 21.4 inch baby naturally without an epidural or other form of pain med? The biggest answers are No fear, deep relaxation, breathing, and visualization and an AMAZING support system. Honestly, the worst part of the entire experience were getting my Hep-lock (IV) in place and the stitching at the end. The cyotec contractions weren't fun, but they weren't painful. They just didn't allow me to sleep. I am so thankful for my Doula (She's honestly the best, most wonderful woman) and for my husband who gave me kisses and helped me feel loved and focused. And I am thankful for my nurses for supporting my decisions and helping me through to the end and fighting for my freedom to move. There was a lot of support in our birthing room and I am still so touched by the love that was there.
It was a beautiful experience and one thing in particular that kept me going was the image of a painting of Joseph Smith and Emma holding their little baby. And on the painting was Doctrine and Covenants 121:7 which says "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." It was the last line that kept popping into my head whenever I felt a desire to give up and go home. And looking back, it was a small moment and our daughter is worth every second.
Pictures:
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| Before they took her to the NICU |
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| They brought her to me before they took her to the NICU. It was love at first sight. No doubt about it. |
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| Look at that hair! oh my goodness. :) |
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| Daddy snuggling his precious little girl. |
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| Mother's day together! |
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| Snuggled with her cute little feet crossed. |
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| Leaving the hospital! |
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